The sun came up unexpectedly. She realised she had been crying all night and her eyes felt dry. The sunlight streamed into her room ray by ray, illuminating the dark spaces, the corners and every inch of the wall in front of her. The spaces she focused on were no longer there and bit by bit her room reappears before her eyes, new again, becoming whole. The dark corner that she shared her thoughts with was lit up, the wall paper there glowed softly. With the disappearance of the night, her troubles were somewhat carried away with it. The space in front of her where she sat was replaced by familiar furniture. The sight of them comforted her. The spaces in which she conjured up images of during her brooding disappeared, along with her uneasy thoughts. Turning slightly, she could feel the coat she wrapped around her during the cold night. Beneath it, she wore her red pjs. The coat was thick, it both warmed and comforted her during her misery.
She thought about getting up but the scene before her fascinated her. The chair reappeared, along with the messy desk. The curtains that successfully kept away the night could not resist the power of the morning sun, it hung there serenely, maybe also enjoying the mellowing warmth. The mess on the desk were her studies. Exam preparing, job applications, plans, forms and notes. Falling over one another, they laid there, pointlessly as rubbish. The stiffness in her back became unbearable and she got up. As she stood, she straighten the coat with her delicate fingers. Her head hung slightly downward, as if feeling all of her misery, her drowsiness and her weariness. They weighed her down terribly. The thick coat though cumbersome, cannot compare to these intangibles. Where do they come from she wondered. Nowhere. Me. Others. Society. The world. They come from all these things but none of these things. Yet they are relentless in their presence, she don’t want them but they clung to her like a heavy sigh.
But I am much more than this. I am myself and no one else. I can be a society, I can be a he, a cook … a deity. This mess on the table is all I am?
As she stood quietly in her room that morning, she didn’t realise she had changed. It is not sure what changed her or how it happened. It is not clear why then or why that outcome. But that's all irrelevant now. What was undeniably clear was that she saw something and her night melted into day, her kindness took over her anxieties, the dark and uncertain entwined with understanding. Wisdom poured out of that understanding and into her being. As it coursed through her body, she was warmed by it. The coat peeled back from her shoulders, as if lifted by light, airy fingers it gently fall off her back and piled up beneath her. She emerge renewed, a little more confident and she realised that sun rays have now completely filled her room. As she stood breathing quietly, her uncertainties remained. Questions remind unanswered but that's ok. She has the morning and therefore beauty in her life and that thought made her infinitely happier.
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| Hiiii from Yarra Valley |
